Damn. I don’t know if I’ve ever had to write a person I’ve only slept with 3 times the “letter you never actually send them, because your soul just needs its own closure”. This is shit that should be reserved for the lovers, the soul ties.

And it’s funny because wasn’t what this felt like? Or do I just have attachment issues? Lmao

Remember when I got attached and felt rejected by my last two situationships before this? And I mean Good God, this isn’t even a situationship. We slept together three times, hung out five or six, then you left town. But you come back in a month for only 2 weeks. What are my expectations here? Why is this affecting me so much?

Sapiosexual – interested in you for your mind and your words and your voice and your questions and the way you finger me with both hands while also pushing down on my uterus and angled at just the right way so we can see the animalistic carnal need fire desire in each other’s eyes and I can hold onto your hardness while my other hand knuckles tears the sheets off the bed while I’m begging for breath wondering how the fuck you do this to me, how you can feel so good, how can I feel so good.

And yet, the voice in the back of my head is like “not sure if he was actually interested, or if you just gave him the opportunity for a hot piece of ass.” Shucks, babe, that’s not fun to feel. And yeah, remember when he gave you the key to making the first move - but it felt manipulative? Remember how he blew you off the next day after you had sex for the first time? Remember how you weren’t completely sure you wanted to have sex but did it anyway? Remember how when he left town, he didn’t text you for 30 hours but then told you he missed you? Remember that he enables his bestie who’s a privileged little shit who makes off-color remarks about women and who you have to defend feminism around? Remember when he self-deprecated and downplayed himself and talked about how he wasn’t ready for a relationship, another backhanded pick-up line for “lady, can you fix me”? Remember when you got the ick because you realized he gave off bro vibes? Remember when you fought off a UTI for over a week afterwards -  a clear sign that your body was not supportive of this experience? Remember when you slid into his DMs first and when you gave him your number first? Remember when you didn’t respond and he never followed up? Remember when this bitch ass didn’t like your hot fucking thirst trap Instagram post? Remember when you told yourself you were being overly sensitive, overly critical, that it was your own attachment issues and your own setbacks with healing that makes you feel this way? Bitch no!

LOOK AT THE DATA, BITCH.

Remember when I told him he knew better????

Guy I Slept With After I Vowed To Myself I Was Celibate, you know better. You know to ask a girl if she wants to have sex – even if it’s the heat of the moment and she’s naked in your shower. You know to text a girl after you’ve had sex with her to and at the bare freaking minimum kindly and clearly communicate your feelings and your intentions. You know better than to respond enthusiastically to a girl you’re not actually interested in - that’s called manipulation. You know better than to give a goddess the classic ol’ hot-cold move. Especially after a woman has shared her body, her soul, her literal human life portal with you.  Especially after you spent hours and hours talking about the mysteries of the universe and the spaghetti strings of your soul and your brain and each agreed that this depth, this openness, these psychological tied together worm cans do not come around often.

Big Oops, Sis - Remember when I was too busy, too focused on my essence, had too many other priorities than being vulnerable to men and the chance of being confused/ hurt  /rejected /manipulated? Remember when I had so much going for me that I didn’t have time or space for someone’s unhealed son to enter my aura and pop my perfect little sphere of goddess celibacy?  Remember time and time again when you learned that you don’t do casual? Remember when I told myself I was protecting my peace and I wouldn’t let this shit happen to me?? Why did I let this happen?

Wait, back up, calm down, straighten your crown - why am I blaming myself? I’m so programmed to blame myself, to take accountability for the male behavior I’ve experienced. Damn!!! We let men off the hook so easily. We blame ourselves for shit that we never did, never caused, never deserved. We can learn how to avoid these situations and identify the warning signs, but it doesn’t matter if most men in the world are stuck in the same patterns, same behaviors as the ones we’re trying to outgrow. It’s a really upsetting feeling. I can face my demons about what’s holding me back regarding a partner. That shit doesn’t matter if there aren’t any healed men in this world. Queen, you can heal all you want. But your “future husband” sure as hell isn’t!!!

Stay Celibate 😊

Sincerely,

Big Oops Sis

PS – I don’t want celibacy to be the answer. I want better men to exist bountifully, radiantly. I want the back-breaking, earth-shattering, poetry-moaning, soul-exploding sapiosexual fantasies to take a permanent vacation from the spirit world and enter our earthly realm. I know I am capable of manifesting these kings into my life. I am just simply not sure they truly exist. So for now, babe, I’m actually staying celibate.

xx