I’m so f**cking sick of it. And so disappointed. Hopeless is a strong word, but maybe demoralized is better?

What the f*ck is happening/has been happening with men??? I know it’s a loaded (and stupid) question— haven’t we all been asking this for a millenium?

Why is it so difficult for men to communicate their needs, their feelings, their fears, their doubts, their concerns? Is this the taboo that’s come from toxic masculinity? Why are men so keen to box up their emotions until there comes a breaking point where their issues and concerns have gotten so serious that there’s no point of return? Why can’t we speak about things as they come up and include those we trust in our emotional journeys? Why is it impossible to be vulnerable? Why is it so difficult to identify and set boundaries? I’m so sick of the lack of courage, the lack of communication, the lack of accountability.

To my male friends — do you have support? Do you talk to your parents about your problems? How about your friends? How about your therapist? If so, are you willing to learn, grow, change? Do you want to have authentic, deep, true love in your life? It’s not possible to have meaningful relationships if you’re unwilling to share your best and your worst self with others. Otherwise, the people in your life are living in a half-truth, and so are you, which is honestly really damn sad. Do you want a complacent, shallow life? What would it take to buck up?

Another man-hater, another man-slandering thing to read. I know you’re sick of it… Who exactly is sick of it? The women, oversaturated with this type of content and with the same ungratifying experiences with men? The men— do you even read things like these? Do you see the headline and immediately bolt? If so, I think you should dig into that. Let’s talk. I’m not writing this to shit on you. I’m writing this to start a dialogue, to get some questions answered, to figure out where this gender division and “male loneliness epidemic” is stemming from. I also think that my title here might be a bit misleading. One of my good friends consistently calls me a man-eater because I’m willing to rip apart a weak man to force him to face his sexism, his shallowness, his manipulativeness, his inability to communicate. I’ll go full Karen on them, you know I will. But historically, a man-eater is “a woman who seduces men and emotionally or financially exploits them.” Although that isn’t necessarily below me, I’m not trying to play games with men or conduct revenge in the hopes that they will understand what I’m doing to them, realize it’s a reflection of their character, and then change their behavior. I’m not convinced that most men would be self-reflective or aware enough to put those pieces together. Instead, I want to tell these men point-blank: “This behavior sucks and is unacceptable to most women. We want more. Here’s exactly what we want. How can we make that happen? Where is this gap coming from? How can we create an environment where meeting these needs feels possible?”

Let’s talk more about your friends. Have you heard the saying, “every woman knows someone who’s been sexually assaulted but no man knows a rapist?” Are you complicit in the behavior of your friends? Are you a bystander or an ally? How about when your friend says something suicidal or abusive? Do you address it? Do you validate their emotions or address their toxicity? Do you make space for the people you love? Do you make the people around you better? Do you make space for yourself?

Let’s talk more about self-improvement. Are you going to therapy? Are you willing to do the hard work, to dig deep with your therapist? (Things like EMDR, take medication, read books, etc). Do you have role models? Do you read books that help you define and improve your character and your morals?

Do you feel hopeless? Like the cards are stacked against you? That no matter what you do, you’ll never be woke enough, feminist enough, compassionate enough, communicative enough? Have we set the standard for the ideal man so high that you’ve just kind of given up and settled for who you are now?

Maybe we just want different things? Maybe men want women who don’t demand the divine masculine. Maybe their ideals for themselves differ drastically from the ideals that women crave in men. Is there a way to bridge the gap?

I think I’m so frustrated because I’m surrounded by incredible, astonishing women. Who are constantly working to improve themselves — they read books, do self-help exercises, go to therapy, journal, work out, learn new skills, lean on their support systems, follow their passions. They are willing and committed to doing the work to overcome their trauma, grow as a person, become a better human, invest in authentic relationships, do whatever it takes to love and accept themselves (even the ugliest, worst parts). I am surrounded by deeply courageous women and am convinced that 99% of other women are just as amazing. Plus, I’m seeing growth. I’m seeing transformations, metamorphoses in my friends — it’s not like their efforts are in vain. Maybe I’m not seeing the work that men are doing and that they handle self-improvement differently… But what I have seen are these astounding women in my life (including myself) continue to be gaslit, blamed, belittled, unempowered, kept in the dark, not being treated like the goddess they are, lied to, need I go on?

You know where my brain immediately went when I typed that? “Why are women allowing ourselves to be treated like this? If we’re all experiencing this, is it our fault?” I’m so programmed to blame myself, to take accountability for the male behavior I’ve experienced. Damn!!! We let men off the hook so easily. We blame ourselves for shit that we never did, never caused, never deserved. We can learn how to avoid these situations and identify the warning signs, but it doesn’t matter if most men in the world are stuck in the same patterns, same behaviors as the ones we’re trying to outgrow. It’s a really upsetting feeling.

Maybe I’ve just been living in a mountain town for too long and I’m surrounded by these Peter Pans who don’t want to settle down, who don’t want to face their fears, and instead can cover all that up with “one more powder day”… Sorry, too far? But I’m pretty sure that this isn’t an isolated issue. The “male loneliness epidemic” isn’t a buzzword for no reason. And maybe at least the Peter Pan’s in places like Crested Butte actually have better coping mechanisms than men in other situations do.

Well, anyway. If there’s any men out there who DON’T think I’m asking for too much, you know where to find me ;) It might be hard to believe (and it might be scary), but I’ll love you through the growth, and the pains and relapses associated with it. Women are capable of so much forgiveness, so much grace, so much hope. Their love is infinite. You are enough - and they want you, your full self, your vulnerability, your bravery, your dreams, your deepest fears. They want every part of you. I promise.