Heartache

Heartache

You Actually Don’t Need The Closure Talk

I’ve never felt so pathetic

Why not be even more?

Hold my hand

Hold on
Hold on

I could give you a hug instead

I refused
Proving that I’m the avoidant one

It must be exhausting
To always think the worst of people
To not believe in unconditional love

You are worthy of love
You are not a bad person

These are things I do not need convincing of!!!

You are worthy of unconditional love if that’s what you think you deserve

The scorecard never stops
Even when the game has clearly ended a long time ago
I have done nothing to not deserve unconditional love

I hope you learn to forgive
I hope you learn to accept
Everything golden this world has to offer you

His projection of you is so different from the real you
I wish I could change that for you

I wish you could have assumed positive intentions from me
I wish you could have let me love you
I wish you could accept me

It’s no wonder I don’t want to move on
Have you ever lived life the same after losing your companion?
What does closure even mean anyway?
I’m so much more than tally sheets of my mistakes
I like my life, I like my home, I like my friends, I like my job, I like my passions

But I’ve lost the one I love
And he’s not coming back
Even if I torture myself
Bang bang banging
On his door
He’s not coming back
Even though I would never do that
This relationship had required every ounce of my maturity
Stubborn? No, I want to be healthy
I hardly ever succumb to handling things poorly
Right?

I stand behind this decision

Drive a stake right into my heart
And twist until it stops beating
I know I deserve better
I know I want someone who builds me up, who finds joy in my light
I did everything I possibly could have
To earn his trust and forgiveness

But he is not a trusting or forgiving person
Because he’s a little dead inside

I’m so tired of poems about heartbreak
Because life is so much more than romantic fantasies
I’m so much more than this pain
The harder you hold me down, the higher I fly

I’m gonna soar, I can feel it
Caged bird set free
I could scream
People keep telling me to scream
I’ve been wanting to swallow rocks whole
Bash my head open
Stab my chest my wrists my throat
Sometimes a gun
Make it stop

I want it to stop hurting
When will it stop hurting

As soon as I accept that

We just weren’t compatible

Jealousy and free spirit don’t quite make the match

It’s so sad that you have decided this is who you are
And this is how it has to be.

I’m sorry that I’m hurting you,
I’m allowed to be sad too.

I guess I just really thought you were someone else

Your rose-colored glasses were too big for your face

I choose you
I choose you

It wasn’t enough
I am enough
F*ck! I deserve my partner to believe that I’m enough!
You said it yourself

We’re too prideful
To allow us to pan out differently

That’s so fucking sad
We were sacred

And you abandoned us and blamed me
When it is your demons who are the villains

You really chose your trauma over us.

Ericka, that’s just the way he is
Maybe it just wasn’t the right time
Men choose when they’re ready—it’s not about anything else
He’ll probably never be ready—it’s not about you

Either way, when I told you my biggest fear
That’s exactly what you did

Either way, you let me go.

Sleeping With Ghosts

In my dreams
You are an angry, hurtful man

It makes it hard
To not decide who you are or what you feel for you
But I can’t talk to you anyway, so
The stories of you in my head now
Are the closest thing to real
And the stories of you in my head
Expose the sides of you that you never let me see

It makes it hard
To remember who I thought you were
Or how deeply I loved you
But my heart remembers and aches for the love
I thought we shared
For the lies and sacrifices I was building my life upon

My dreams taint my memories with your dishonesty

In my dreams, you have erased me
I think it must be impossible, but dreams turn to day,
And your silence stays true

It makes me crumble to relearn reality when my eyes open

My mornings begin a little wobbly.

Trick or Dare

I think the farther I get away from it
The more I can’t believe
How f*cked up it was,
The way you treated me

It makes my chest ache for her

It makes me angry
Because I was the one
Who had to nourish her
back to health

How dare you f*cking do that to us.

Haunting My Hometown

It’s not that he lives in my mind rent free
It’s like I pay him to stay there
In my dreams
In my words
In my womb
In my chest

I can argue with myself
Day and night
Bitterness and longing
I can slap the water
Until it’s murky
Re-providing myself with proof

I’m exhausted
I’m broken
I’m anxious

I don’t even need to leave my house
To find our ghosts
Waiting for me at every corner

I want you out of my f*cking head
Your name off of my f*cking breath
But to do that

It means I have to let you go.

Moving On

I wanted to use you for your body
glorify in your physical being
next to me, in me, around me
heal my wounds with your breath

Now I ache for your smell,
your spirit, your eyes
it is so much more
than your lips, your touch, your hips

My heart has betrayed my needs
your thumbs have somehow
penetrated past my walls

And the tender, broken, barely beating
parts of my soul
hate you for it

My legs might have been
but my heart wasn’t open to moving on

Heartbroken in the Summer

Having your heart ripped out of your body
In the summertime
Is such a contrast to
The vibrant buzzing humming chirping
Of life happening around you, when you are
A shell, either a skeleton or a carcass
Time ticking as you rot away

I spent my Saturday sobbing
On the living room floor in the fetal position
While the thunderstorms flirted
And the early apples begged to be picked
And he felt at peace with our decision

They say “this will pass” and
Better to know now than later” and
He dimmed your sparkle”

Was I so lost in love
That my own spirit abandoned me?
I thought we decided to rise in love
Not fall all the way down to rock bottom
Down where I thought there was
No way any more of my world
Could come out from under me
Down where I never thought
I could ever be returning

Two weeks ago
When the rivers dropped in size
And summer tilted its way into baby autumn,
I didn’t know I had it all
And with my ribcage ripped apart
I don’t even know where to start
To try to pick myself up off the floor

Soon -
The trees will lose their leaves
The darkness will multiply
The cold will rattle my bones

Maybe at that point
I can put my pieces back together
Waiting out the winter
As I somehow always do
When life stops outside
It means I don’t have to
Rebuild my own on my inside
And right now, giving up
Sounds more comforting than a nursery rhyme

But for now,
The leaves are deep, healthy, happy green
The flowers bend and dance and bow with the wind
Unfortunately, I’m having my heart ripped out of my body
In the summertime

Heartbreak Hangover

I guess that love is fleeting, love is finite
One moment you are drinking deeply from its cup, dazzled and drunk
But the last few sips turn sour and before you know it’s empty, the buzz is gone
You’re left with a bitter taste in your mouth, your head ringing
Nausea rises as you stand empty handed
Demanding
How did it end up like this?
It wasn’t supposed to end up like this
I thought love was forever
Not a blip in time
My heart break hangover
Is stuck in rewind

The Trees In Our Yard

These trees were planted
Around my sister’s 9th birthday
Spindly, twisted little things they were
Constantly blown and battered by the wind and snow and prairie rays
I didn’t give them much thought,
Except for an ache here and there
For their resilience and their suffering

And then, suddenly
The trees are so tall, that the
Mountains hide behind
Beams and slivers of light
Between the portals around their leaves

The view I once knew has become
Completely altered, transformed
The spindles and twists
Have become radiant beings,
Strong foundations,
Amidst and among the continual force of the elements

Somehow I suspect
This is a reflection
Of me and my sisters, now women

I don’t ache for those quaking little souls anymore
But I do ache for the view that used to exist
Isn’t it funny how quickly life can shift?

A Gypsy Heart

My heart is just beating
In so many different places.
Some with barely a pulse,
Others that thump out of my skin.

Each rhythm
Each beat
Takes a piece of me with it.

Soon enough I will just be
Scattered piles of leaves
Just floating, floating
Down a cracked sidewalk
Into lightless gutters that echo.

Don't take me with you.
Please just let me be.

When my heart lives here
But it sleeps there
Yet it wakes up over there,

You just can't be that cold person
Who allows snow
To drown my leafless, lifeless branches
When I'm not looking.

Please.
Please let me be.
Let my heart thump as one, or
Make it stop beating.

The Aftermath

Somehow,
To forget everything,
You must remember it all.

Time will heal your soul.