When One Of Us Crosses Over
When one of us crosses over
You can feel the mountains shaking
With sobs that wrack our shoulders
The collective grief of a tsunami crashing down
On our chests, our smiles, our tears
For weeks, meals are prepared, no planning necessary
Human chains of clutched hands, grasping shoulders
You’ve never smelled so many women’s hair
As you hold onto people’s backs, sharing the weight
When one of us crosses over
You can feel them in everything,
The sun basking in its first glimpse of its reflection
In the morning mountain light
The sound of the snow below your skis as you carve
The day’s most beautiful, powerful turn
Faceted snowflakes twinkling rainbows on snow banks
During your evening walk
The scents of springtime – pine needles, moist soil,
Buried compost of last year’s aspen leaves
They are everywhere, in every breath you feel them,
Hyperaware
When one of us crosses over
We craft altars, shrines, memorials
Of favorite views shared with friends
Decorated with life’s favorite items,
And visited frequently,
Offerings poured out, bites left behind for the wildlife,
Joints lit, prayers sent, laughter and tears consummated
When one of us crosses over
Life feels hushed, delayed even, as
Hundreds of us together recount misadventures
Last moments together, mislaid plans for the future
Small town mouths never cease their chattering
“How did you find out?”
“Did you hear this detail?”
“Who told you that?”
“Have you talked to them yet?”
Love disguised as pitiful human patterns
Chickadees chittering on bare branches
Communal loss so deeply felt,
It even makes the front page of the paper
When one of us crosses over
I imagine a giant game of tug ‘o war,
With the other side’s end suddenly going slack
And the rest of us abruptly upturned
In a giant heap, a puddle of disgruntled elbows and ankles,
Sharp intakes of disbelief and horror
Of our community attempting to pick up the pieces
From this loss, to run our tongues over new holes
We’ve never felt before
New gaps we never imagined
New bruises we now have to nurse
When one of us crosses over
We try to dissect, unwind, probe the mycelium,
The cat’s cradle of our love and connection
We vow to live like they did
“For those who cannot, we shall”
We try to savor what they can no longer enjoy
We try to reconcile, we hold each other,
Put stones in the holes and the gaps
Poultice on the bruises
So at least something is there
When one of us crosses over
Together, our hands hold and steady the bridge
Our collective strength promises safe passage
A send-off of devotion, veneration
We huddle under the bridge,
In the shadow of what we have lost
We keep each other warm by
Holding onto the memories and the love
We feel the weight lessen as one
We tuck those closest to the grief in every night
And welcome them gently each morning with
Slow movements, soft hugs, warm cups of tea
When one of us crosses over
We know our feeling of loss is not going anywhere,
But we know our feeling of love is stronger.
We know these feelings are one and the same.
The Trees In Our Yard
These trees were planted
Around my sister’s 9th birthday
Spindly, twisted little things they were
Constantly blown and battered by the wind and snow and prairie rays
I didn’t give them much thought,
Except for an ache here and there
For their resilience and their suffering
And then, suddenly
The trees are so tall, that the
Mountains hide behind
Beams and slivers of light
Between the portals around their leaves
The view I once knew has become
Completely altered, transformed
The spindles and twists
Have become radiant beings,
Strong foundations,
Amidst and among the continual force of the elements
Somehow I suspect
This is a reflection
Of me and my sisters, now women
I don’t ache for those quaking little souls anymore
But I do ache for the view that used to exist
Isn’t it funny how quickly life can shift?
Trick or Dare
I think the farther I get away from it
The more I can’t believe
How f*cked up it was,
The way you treated me
It makes my chest ache for her
It makes me angry
Because I was the one
Who had to nourish her
back to health
How dare you f*cking do that to us.
Sleeping With Ghosts
In my dreams
You are an angry, hurtful man
It makes it hard
To not decide who you are or what you feel for you
But I can’t talk to you anyway, so
The stories of you in my head now
Are the closest thing to real
And the stories of you in my head
Expose the sides of you that you never let me see
It makes it hard
To remember who I thought you were
Or how deeply I loved you
But my heart remembers and aches for the love
I thought we shared
For the lies and sacrifices I was building my life upon
My dreams taint my memories with your dishonesty
In my dreams, you have erased me
I think it must be impossible, but dreams turn to day,
And your silence stays true
It makes me crumble to relearn reality when my eyes open
My mornings begin a little wobbly.
Haunting My Hometown
It’s not that he lives in my mind rent free
It’s like I pay him to stay there
In my dreams
In my words
In my womb
In my chest
I can argue with myself
Day and night
Bitterness and longing
I can slap the water
Until it’s murky
Re-providing myself with proof
I’m exhausted
I’m broken
I’m anxious
I don’t even need to leave my house
To find our ghosts
Waiting for me at every corner
I want you out of my f*cking head
Your name off of my f*cking breath
But to do that
It means I have to let you go.
Heartbroken in the Summertime
Having your heart ripped out of your body
In the summertime
Is such a contrast to
The vibrant buzzing humming chirping
Of life happening around you, when you are
A shell, either a skeleton or a carcass
Time ticking as you rot away
I spent my Saturday sobbing
On the living room floor in the fetal position
While the thunderstorms flirted
And the early apples begged to be picked
And he felt at peace with our decision
They say “this will pass” and
“Better to know now than later” and
“He dimmed your sparkle”
Was I so lost in love
That my own spirit abandoned me?
I thought we decided to rise in love
Not fall all the way down to rock bottom
Down where I thought there was
No way any more of my world
Could come out from under me
Down where I never thought
I could ever be returning
Two weeks ago
When the rivers dropped in size
And summer tilted its way into baby autumn,
I didn’t know I had it all
And with my ribcage ripped apart
I don’t even know where to start
To try to pick myself up off the floor
Soon -
The trees will lose their leaves
The darkness will multiply
The cold will rattle my bones
Maybe at that point
I can put my pieces back together
Waiting out the winter
As I somehow always do
When life stops outside
It means I don’t have to
Rebuild my own on my inside
And right now, giving up
Sounds more comforting than a nursery rhyme
But for now,
The leaves are deep, healthy, happy green
The flowers bend and dance and bow with the wind
Unfortunately, I’m having my heart ripped out of my body
In the summertime
Moving On
I wanted to use you for your body
glorify in your physical being
next to me, in me, around me
heal my wounds with your breath
Now I ache for your smell,
your spirit, your eyes
it is so much more
than your lips, your touch, your hips
My heart has betrayed my needs
your thumbs have somehow
penetrated past my walls
And the tender, broken, barely beating
parts of my soul
hate you for it
My legs might have been
but my heart wasn’t open to moving on
Heartbreak Hangover
I guess that love is fleeting, love is finite
One moment you are drinking deeply from its cup, dazzled and drunk
But the last few sips turn sour and before you know it’s empty, the buzz is gone
You’re left with a bitter taste in your mouth, your head ringing
Nausea rises as you stand empty handed
Demanding
How did it end up like this?
It wasn’t supposed to end up like this
I thought love was forever
Not a blip in time
My heart break hangover
Is stuck in rewind
A Gypsy Heart
My heart is just beating
In so many different places.
Some with barely a pulse,
Others that thump out of my skin.
Each rhythm
Each beat
Takes a piece of me with it.
Soon enough I will just be
Scattered piles of leaves
Just floating, floating
Down a cracked sidewalk
Into lightless gutters that echo.
Don't take me with you.
Please just let me be.
When my heart lives here
But it sleeps there
Yet it wakes up over there,
You just can't be that cold person
Who allows snow
To drown my leafless, lifeless branches
When I'm not looking.
Please.
Please let me be.
Let my heart thump as one, or
Make it stop beating.
The Aftermath
Somehow,
To forget everything,
You must remember it all.
Time will heal your soul.
You Actually Don’t Need The Closure Talk
I’ve never felt so pathetic
Why not be even more?
Hold my hand
Hold on
Hold on
I could give you a hug instead
I refused
Proving that I’m the avoidant one
It must be exhausting
To always think the worst of people
To not believe in unconditional love
You are worthy of love
You are not a bad person
These are things I do not need convincing of!!!
You are worthy of unconditional love if that’s what you think you deserve
The scorecard never stops
Even when the game has clearly ended a long time ago
I have done nothing to not deserve unconditional love
I hope you learn to forgive
I hope you learn to accept
Everything golden this world has to offer you
His projection of you is so different from the real you
I wish I could change that for you
I wish you could have assumed positive intentions from me
I wish you could have let me love you
I wish you could accept me
It’s no wonder I don’t want to move on
Have you ever lived life the same after losing your companion?
What does closure even mean anyway?
I’m so much more than tally sheets of my mistakes
I like my life, I like my home, I like my friends, I like my job, I like my passions
But I’ve lost the one I love
And he’s not coming back
Even if I torture myself
Bang bang banging
On his door
He’s not coming back
Even though I would never do that
This relationship had required every ounce of my maturity
Stubborn? No, I want to be healthy
I hardly ever succumb to handling things poorly
Right?
I stand behind this decision
Drive a stake right into my heart
And twist until it stops beating
I know I deserve better
I know I want someone who builds me up, who finds joy in my light
I did everything I possibly could have
To earn his trust and forgiveness
But he is not a trusting or forgiving person
Because he’s a little dead inside
I’m so tired of poems about heartbreak
Because life is so much more than romantic fantasies
I’m so much more than this pain
The harder you hold me down, the higher I fly
I’m gonna soar, I can feel it
Caged bird set free
I could scream
People keep telling me to scream
I’ve been wanting to swallow rocks whole
Bash my head open
Stab my chest my wrists my throat
Sometimes a gun
Make it stop
I want it to stop hurting
When will it stop hurting
As soon as I accept that
We just weren’t compatible
Jealousy and free spirit don’t quite make the match
It’s so sad that you have decided this is who you are
And this is how it has to be.
I’m sorry that I’m hurting you,
I’m allowed to be sad too.
I guess I just really thought you were someone else
Your rose-colored glasses were too big for your face
I choose you
I choose you
It wasn’t enough
I am enough
F*ck! I deserve my partner to believe that I’m enough!
You said it yourself
We’re too prideful
To allow us to pan out differently
That’s so fucking sad
We were sacred
And you abandoned us and blamed me
When it is your demons who are the villains
You really chose your trauma over us.
Ericka, that’s just the way he is
Maybe it just wasn’t the right time
Men choose when they’re ready—it’s not about anything else
He’ll probably never be ready—it’s not about you
Either way, when I told you my biggest fear
That’s exactly what you did
Either way, you let me go.
